Here there be filler

In lieu of doing anything interesting this week, I have decided to study (and by study I mean compulsively refresh the Facebook window) instead of go out and spend money. After being swamped with suicide threats by grieving fans, I've written some preliminary tips for dealing with being a filthy foreigner here in Ireland.
1. Don't try speaking Irish, especially not the alternate station names on the Luas. It's a trick. The letters do not correspond with the sounds. Laoghaire sounds all cool and Irish, doesn't it? Reading it brings you fanciful notions of thatched cottages, sheep, low stone walls, and bog sacrifices? Well, it's pronounced "Leeree." Yeah. I just rocked your world.

I'll give you a moment to sit down, maybe catch your breath.


2. The supermarkets charge you for bags. You have the privilege of choosing between
A. 60 eurocent bags that will immediately break into tiny pieces while the cashier and everyone in the line look at you in disgust as you try to hide your tears, and
B. 1.25 Eurobux for "Deluxe Prestige" bags that will hold together until you are crossing a heavily-trafficked street.
Our RA told us that supermarkets were originally forced by the government to charge for bags as an incentive to help the environment (see point 3), but soon found charging so lucrative that they preferred it that way.

3. The Irish love the environment. Every building built after the late 1990s (pretty much every building outside the city centre) has a carbon footprint of zero. The Irish druidic practices (still active today thanks to a massive cultural revival in the late 20th century) need a clean environment to work, so you know they take their emissions seriously.

4. When walking through Dublin, you'll be told to "avoid being knocked down." 'Knocked down' is a cute Irish phrase for "viciously run over." The Irish don't like slowing down for frivolous reasons (eg. pedestrians), so be sure to strengthen those hip bones!

5. Most importantly, know what phrases not to use, the most notable one being "Have a nice day." This will be met by polite bewilderment at best and a hearty "The fuck do you care?" at worst. Americans are widely regarded as very optimistic and friendly, but many phrases Americans view as polite are likewise seen as insincere on this side of the Atlantic.